Um. There is no excuse for this post.
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The expansion pack comes out on Tuesday. I've spent the last two months playing various characters, writing fanfic, and being generally obsessed. My latest big project was completed last night (which Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.whisperwords&Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.tasmen got to observe over skype.) It entailed running a "perfect""canon" playthrough for my human noble rogue. I meticulously decided what order to do the story, which choices to make, etc. I also decided to undertake every side quest. I mostly accomplished that (I missed a few Drake Scales and couldn't do that one, but still!) And as a result, I feel compelled to share this story. Because I am a huge nerd.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
This is Elissa Cousland. She's a rogue from Highever.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
She has an older brother, a sister-in-law, a nephew and parents who, while lovely, have terrible taste in clothing. She also has a faithful Mabari War Hound named Vas.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
One day, the castle is visited by a Grey Warden and one of her father's old friends. When guessing which of those newcomers to the castle engineer the slaughter of her entire family, keep this in mind: one is a gentle badass with impeccable manners and the other is voiced by Tim Curry.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Arl Howe betrays her father for his own nefarious purposes and Elissa's entire family is murdered. As her father lies dying and her mother vows to stay and protect him (*sniff*), Duncan recruits Elissa into the Grey Wardens to battle the Darkspawn and fight with the King at Ostagar, all in order to get her out alive. Elissa is very sad.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Duncan takes Elissa to Ostagar to fight a glorious battle. She meets King Cailan as well as General Loghain. She hangs out with the newest Grey Warden, Alistair who takes her and the other recruits off to find some gross blood for a magic ritual that truly makes them Grey Wardens. But, then they get into the wilds and are set upon by a mysterious woman with a lot of cleavage!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Her mom is totally evil and magical. Together they areCaptain Janeway & Aeryn Sun Flemeth and Morrigan!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Elissa and Alistair get stuck single-handedly defending a tower. Long story short, Loghain is an asshat and abandons the field, the King is killed. The Grey Wardens get blamed (oh, and slaughtered.) leaving Elissa and Alsitair the only Grey Wardens left to save Ferelden from The Blight. Oh, andAeryn Sun Morrigan comes along to ensure there's a mage in the party.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Elissa, Alistair, Morrigan and the Dog make a couple of new friends and set off for Redcliffe to visit the man that basically raised Alistair.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Instead they run into that dude's incredibly hot and suave brother. And a blood mage. And a crazy lady and her possessed kid. He's raising skeletons and zombies and shit and terrorizing the world but she's an idiot and tries to protect him anyway. So Elissa and her party set off for the Circle Tower to find some mages to help un-possess the kid and save Redcliffe.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And shit. The Tower is also possessed by demons and blood mages and lots of shenanigans like that. So Elissa makes a new friend and they have to go through this awful thing called the Fade that I can't even speak about lest I rage. And then they have to defeat the evil controlling The Tower and free the Templars and Mages. Oh noes!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
So they go back to Redcliffe to save the kid. The purple lady with no shirt is a desire demon that's possessing the kid, but they fix that so it's okay. His dad (and Alistair's fake dad) is still really sick though, so they wander off on a sacred journey to find theholy grail Urn of Sacred Ashes and cure him. It's all very dramatic and upsetting. So instead, I'm going to segue into this:
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Alsitair and Elissa totally fall in love. And he's all bashful and virginal and she shows him the pleasures of doing it on the ground at camp. Also, he's the secret bastard brother of the King. These things happen in fantasy world RPGs. So they're totally in love and saving the world from The Blight.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
But back to the story. This guy shows up and tries to kill everyone. But he fails so he becomes their friend instead. Yay.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
And then everyone runs off to the Dwarf city of Orzammar to enlist the Dwarves to fight The Blight. This is the longest part of the game and I reduced it to four caps. Elissa fights a lot of darkspawn in a lot of grossly long maps. She meets Oghren, the greatest person in the entire game and then the new Dwarf King says "okay, we're in".
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
And then the same thing happens wth the Elves. But there's Werewolves and it's not as long. But it's way more annoying. And that tree thinks he's Treebeard but he totally isn't.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
So, with everybody willing to fight The Blight, Elissa and her friends return to this guy. Arl Eamon. Alistair's fake daddy (his real daddy was the old king...). And Eamon is all "'sup bitches, it's Landsmeet time!" and makes them march on the capital to depose Loghain from the throne and unite the country against The Blight. YAY!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
Except not. First Elissa have to rescue the queen, get naked kidnapped, get rescued by the Oghren and Zevran comedy act and solve the mystery of what's going on in the Alienage with all the Elves. (Hint: There's slavery.)
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
Now it's Landsmeet time! All the Nobles of Ferelden gather and Elissa tells them all about how Alistair is the rightful King of the land. And that Loghain is an asshole. And that she's gonna marry Alistair and be his queen.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
And then Elissa has Alistair behead Loghain. And makes his daughter get covered in her daddy's blood. They're nice like that.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
Then this Orlesian asshole shows up and is all "BTW, to slay the Archdemon a Grey Warden needs to die." AndAeryn SunMorrigan is all "Unless Alistair sleeps with me and sets up the sequel creates a baby with the sould of an Old God or something. And Elissa is all ".....fine." and convinces Alsitair to sleep with Aeryn Sun even though it's a terrible horrible no good very bad sequel plot idea.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
So it's big last battle time. Alistiar is all Kingly and rallies the troops one last time. And then makes out with Elissa. And then they all march off into a huge long battle that takes forever (as the climax of a game is want to do) and I didn't really cap.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
Until this motherfucker shows up. The Archdemon. The source of The Blight. The big bad.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
And Elissa kills it. She kills the SHIT out of it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.![]()
Alistair gets coronated. The crowds rejoice. Elissa is named The Hero of Ferelden. Oh, and her brother is still alive. YAY!
Then there's an epilogue and Alistair and Elissa get married and live a vague unspecific life together becausehave to leave room for the sequel who wants all those details?
And that's the story. Until Tuesday when the expansion comes out and ruins everything.
Clik here to view.
The expansion pack comes out on Tuesday. I've spent the last two months playing various characters, writing fanfic, and being generally obsessed. My latest big project was completed last night (which Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
whisperwords&Image may be NSFW.Clik here to view.
tasmen got to observe over skype.) It entailed running a "perfect""canon" playthrough for my human noble rogue. I meticulously decided what order to do the story, which choices to make, etc. I also decided to undertake every side quest. I mostly accomplished that (I missed a few Drake Scales and couldn't do that one, but still!) And as a result, I feel compelled to share this story. Because I am a huge nerd.Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
This is Elissa Cousland. She's a rogue from Highever.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
She has an older brother, a sister-in-law, a nephew and parents who, while lovely, have terrible taste in clothing. She also has a faithful Mabari War Hound named Vas.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
One day, the castle is visited by a Grey Warden and one of her father's old friends. When guessing which of those newcomers to the castle engineer the slaughter of her entire family, keep this in mind: one is a gentle badass with impeccable manners and the other is voiced by Tim Curry.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Arl Howe betrays her father for his own nefarious purposes and Elissa's entire family is murdered. As her father lies dying and her mother vows to stay and protect him (*sniff*), Duncan recruits Elissa into the Grey Wardens to battle the Darkspawn and fight with the King at Ostagar, all in order to get her out alive. Elissa is very sad.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Duncan takes Elissa to Ostagar to fight a glorious battle. She meets King Cailan as well as General Loghain. She hangs out with the newest Grey Warden, Alistair who takes her and the other recruits off to find some gross blood for a magic ritual that truly makes them Grey Wardens. But, then they get into the wilds and are set upon by a mysterious woman with a lot of cleavage!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Her mom is totally evil and magical. Together they are
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Elissa and Alistair get stuck single-handedly defending a tower. Long story short, Loghain is an asshat and abandons the field, the King is killed. The Grey Wardens get blamed (oh, and slaughtered.) leaving Elissa and Alsitair the only Grey Wardens left to save Ferelden from The Blight. Oh, and
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Elissa, Alistair, Morrigan and the Dog make a couple of new friends and set off for Redcliffe to visit the man that basically raised Alistair.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Instead they run into that dude's incredibly hot and suave brother. And a blood mage. And a crazy lady and her possessed kid. He's raising skeletons and zombies and shit and terrorizing the world but she's an idiot and tries to protect him anyway. So Elissa and her party set off for the Circle Tower to find some mages to help un-possess the kid and save Redcliffe.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And shit. The Tower is also possessed by demons and blood mages and lots of shenanigans like that. So Elissa makes a new friend and they have to go through this awful thing called the Fade that I can't even speak about lest I rage. And then they have to defeat the evil controlling The Tower and free the Templars and Mages. Oh noes!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
So they go back to Redcliffe to save the kid. The purple lady with no shirt is a desire demon that's possessing the kid, but they fix that so it's okay. His dad (and Alistair's fake dad) is still really sick though, so they wander off on a sacred journey to find the
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Alsitair and Elissa totally fall in love. And he's all bashful and virginal and she shows him the pleasures of doing it on the ground at camp. Also, he's the secret bastard brother of the King. These things happen in fantasy world RPGs. So they're totally in love and saving the world from The Blight.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
But back to the story. This guy shows up and tries to kill everyone. But he fails so he becomes their friend instead. Yay.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And then everyone runs off to the Dwarf city of Orzammar to enlist the Dwarves to fight The Blight. This is the longest part of the game and I reduced it to four caps. Elissa fights a lot of darkspawn in a lot of grossly long maps. She meets Oghren, the greatest person in the entire game and then the new Dwarf King says "okay, we're in".
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And then the same thing happens wth the Elves. But there's Werewolves and it's not as long. But it's way more annoying. And that tree thinks he's Treebeard but he totally isn't.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
So, with everybody willing to fight The Blight, Elissa and her friends return to this guy. Arl Eamon. Alistair's fake daddy (his real daddy was the old king...). And Eamon is all "'sup bitches, it's Landsmeet time!" and makes them march on the capital to depose Loghain from the throne and unite the country against The Blight. YAY!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Except not. First Elissa have to rescue the queen, get naked kidnapped, get rescued by the Oghren and Zevran comedy act and solve the mystery of what's going on in the Alienage with all the Elves. (Hint: There's slavery.)
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Now it's Landsmeet time! All the Nobles of Ferelden gather and Elissa tells them all about how Alistair is the rightful King of the land. And that Loghain is an asshole. And that she's gonna marry Alistair and be his queen.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And then Elissa has Alistair behead Loghain. And makes his daughter get covered in her daddy's blood. They're nice like that.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Then this Orlesian asshole shows up and is all "BTW, to slay the Archdemon a Grey Warden needs to die." And
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
So it's big last battle time. Alistiar is all Kingly and rallies the troops one last time. And then makes out with Elissa. And then they all march off into a huge long battle that takes forever (as the climax of a game is want to do) and I didn't really cap.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Until this motherfucker shows up. The Archdemon. The source of The Blight. The big bad.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
And Elissa kills it. She kills the SHIT out of it.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Alistair gets coronated. The crowds rejoice. Elissa is named The Hero of Ferelden. Oh, and her brother is still alive. YAY!
Then there's an epilogue and Alistair and Elissa get married and live a vague unspecific life together because